My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
