I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
