you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
