I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
