Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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