I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
