someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
