Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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