Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
