i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
