I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
