it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
