The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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