just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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