yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
