I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
