and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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