What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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