i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
