Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
