if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
