we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
