He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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