I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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