Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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