I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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