I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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