After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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