Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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