i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
