Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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