just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
