I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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