I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
