Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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