She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
