Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
