I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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