i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
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I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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