she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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