I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
