I'm going to jail i love you
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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