my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
