So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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