2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
