Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
