I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
bring money and cleavage
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
