i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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