am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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