he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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