she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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