How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
