i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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