happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
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And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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