I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
