My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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