Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
