ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
this just has baby written all over it
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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