I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
